Remember To Swing Your Hips
by 0Black0Rabbit0
Summary: "Hey...seeing as we're all dressed up like this..." Gintoki smirked wickedly. "Why don't we...have a little fun?" Gintoki and Katsura decide to mess with a certain one-eyed samurai while cross-dressing. Crackfic. One-shot.


**Remember To Swing Your Hips**

 **-0-**

"Paako, move your hips more when you walk. You're supposed to be attracting attention."

Katsura nudged Gintoki in the side before smoothly regaining his upright posture and clearing his throat. Gintoki clicked his tongue and shoved Katsura back, though made it subtle so no one would see.

That wouldn't be very lady-like after all.

It was a warm, fresh morning in the beautiful district of Kabuki-cho. It was the time of day when little girls took their big white dogs for walks, and when terrorists hit the streets in the hope of recruiting people for their anti-foreigner factions. Gintoki had come across both of these examples included above; when Kagura had asked him if he would come with a walk with her, he had claimed that he was 'allergic to dog shit and when he came within a few meters of it, he swelled up and died'.

It worked, surprisingly.

But the second one was something that he couldn't avoid. When he saw Katsura walking down the street dressed in a ladies kimono, wearing lipstick and swaying his hips like there was no tomorrow, his legs had suddenly stopped working, and Katsura had noticed him.

It had only been a matter of minutes before the bastard had dressed him up in a silver wig and floral kimono, and had equipped him with leaflets which read;

'Join the joui! _We have pretty ladies!_ '

So, it turned out that Katsura, being the utterly hopeless retard that he is, had decided that the only way to recruit people was to seduce them.

 _"I don't see your hips swaying, bastard."_ Gintoki hissed sharply in Katsura's ear. " _And what's with that hair flick? You're doing it all wrong!"_

Katsura frowned and dramatically flicked his hair with his hand and looked away with a 'hmph!' He was wearing bright red lipstick and some glittery make-up shit around his eyes, and he had even gone as far as to flutter around some stupid fan which only added to his...Unique, appearance. Thankfully, Katsura had only managed to get a little bit of lipstick on Gintoki as the man had been struggling the whole time. How he had managed to get the man in a pink and white flowery kimono, without any injuries, was something neither of them would truly know. They had both agreed that when all this was over, they would never speak of it again. But first, Gintoki had to help Katsura hand out all of the leaflets without being seen by anyone that he knew so he wouldn't be stripped of any more dignity.

As they continued to walk down the street, Katsura stopped to hand out a few leaflets to a group of young men, receiving a few wolf whistles in response, before turning back to Gintoki.

"Bastard janai, bitch da." He muttered lowly, straightening his kimono and fixing his hair. "And this hair flick might just earn us some new men."

"Tch. Whatever." Gintoki had pulled a face at this and handed an old man passing by a leaflet, giving him an unenthusiastic wave and moving on before he could receive a response.

Katsura continued in stopping every once in a while to hand out leaflets, remembering to wave and give the odd seductive wink. Gintoki watched him, and the man couldn't help but get the idea that Katsura quite enjoyed dressing up as a woman.

Either that or the bastard had absolutely no shame at all.

Either way, Gintoki was most definitely not enjoying himself, and the only time that he actually smiled was when they passed the dango stall.

The two men continued to wander, or in Zurako's case, strut down the street, for about half an hour. After this time, Katsura had handed out all his leaflets, and Gintoki had only one left. Both samurai looked rather tired out at this point, and it was just when Katsura was about to call it a day when both men spotted a familiar face they really didn't want to see.

Gintoki slowed down and nudged Katsura harshly to get his attention. "Oi...Zura..." He murmured, leaning in close and tugging at the man's kimono sleeve until he came to a stop. "You see that too right?" The samurai motioned with his head to an approaching figure up ahead in the crowd.

Katsura blinked in surprise, recognising the person immediately, before humming a hesitant and careful agreement as if he was expecting what was to come next. "Hm..."

"Hey...seeing as we're all dressed up like this..." Gintoki smirked wickedly. "Why don't we...have a little fun?" His eyes flashed devilishly and he nudged Katsura again. "Ne?"

"If he finds out who we are, he'll kill us."

"But he's not going to find out is he, _Zurako?"_

Katsura lowered his head in defeat and sighed, knowing there was no stopping Gintoki in what he was going to do. He lifted his head and met the other man's eyes.

"You've just killed us both." He muttered, fixing his kimono hastily and making sure his hair was looking tidy.

Gintoki grinned in triumph and flicked his hair. "Come on, Zurako..." He held up the last leaflet and smirked. "We've got one more man to seduce."

And with that, Gintoki led the way down the street towards their target.

"Excuse me sir..." Gintoki put on his best feminine voice and stopped to get the attention of a man passing by. Katsura followed shortly after and stood at Gintoki's side, preferring to stay quiet for as long as he could; the most he could offer was a little flutter of his fan. The man stopped walking, and carefully lifted his sedge hat so he could look Gintoki directly in the eyes. Gintoki continued swiftly. "Do you have a moment?"

The man inspected Gintoki carefully with a piercing green pupil. When he lifted his hat, he revealed a bandaged eye, tufts of dark purple hair and a tanned complexion.

Gintoki had just promised both of their deaths.

The man blinked and stayed silent for a moment. It was impossible to tell whether he recognized his former comrades or not, but it was evident that the stretching silence was killing the other two men inside. It was at this point that Gintoki stepped forwards and took the liberty of slipping the last leaflet into the man's hand which had been resting on the hilt of his sword. He gave the man a flirtatious smile and blinked up and him rapidly.

It was lucky that Takasugi was wearing rather tall shoes and that the other two were simply wearing sandals, so he was just a bit taller than them. Hence why for the first time in his life, Gintoki had to look _up_ at him instead of looking down.

Takasugi quirked a brow under his hat and inspected the leaflet in his hand. But before he could respond, Katsura stepped forwards and sidled up to the samurai's side and ran a hand over his strong shoulder as though checking he was real.

"Ooh, look Paako." Katsura managed to force a blush onto his cheeks. "A _samurai_..." He tried his best to sound dreamy when he said the word 'samurai' in an attempt to flatter the man, and he smiled softly up at Takasugi, offering him a few blinks.

"I'm sorry, but I have somewhere to be." Takasugi murmured, dipping his head to Katsura in a respectful manner. Gintoki and Katsura were shocked for a moment; who knew that Takasugi Shinsuke, could be kind to _women? "_ If you'll excuse m-"

Gintoki smoothly stepped forwards before Takasugi could continue, and bravely ran a hand up the man's chest. "And he's so _tall..._ " he breathed admiringly, looking up at Takasugi in wonder.

Takasugi simply blinked at this. He opened his mouth to speak but Katsura got their first.

"We only need a few minutes of your time..." He linked his arm with his and blinked up at him. "We understand that a handsome young man like yourself has somewhere to be, but we won't take long at all."

Gintoki claimed Takasugi's other arm. "We'll let you go as soon as we're finished." He added with a smile.

Takasugi narrowed his eye and thought for a moment.

"What is it you need me for?" He questioned carefully, blinking at the two 'women' at his sides.

Gintoki rested his head on Takasugi's shoulder, and the man furrowed his brow a little in response.

"Oh, we only need to ask you a few questions..." he replied with a soft smile.

Takasugi then lowered his sedge hat.

Gintoki and Katsura shared a look, Gintoki looking rather smug, and Katsura looking almost worried. Nevertheless, the two tugged at Takasugi's arms to make him walk, and the three began down the street.

* * *

They ended up taking Takasugi back to Katsura's current hideout. Luckily, there wasn't anyone else there as Katsura had instructed everyone to spend the day handing out leaflets and try to recruit new men. Even Elizabeth was nowhere in sight.

It was a small building; definitely not the type of place you'd suspect the joui to be hanging around. It consisted of one big room, most likely where Katsura called for meetings, and a few other smaller rooms dotted around it. With Katsura leading the way, he and Gintoki led Takasugi into one of the smaller rooms and directed him to one of the mats that had been placed around a small table in the middle of the room.

Takasugi slowly removed his hat and placed it aside so he could look around the room. He sat with his hands on his knees and stayed quiet out of respect, letting his gaze fall on Katsura who was sitting opposite, then Gintoki, being the little rebel he is, who was sitting slightly closer.

"Please excuse our rudeness," Katsura began, fluttering his fan about a little. "But we didn't quite catch your name."

"Shinsuke."

Katsura bowed his head. "It is very nice to meet you, Shinsuke-sama." he said, looking up again and smiling a little.

Takasugi looked cautious and his reply was careful. "Likewise." He replied smoothly.

"My name is Zurako," Katsura introduced. "And this is Paako." He motioned with his hand to Gintoki, who bowed his head to Takasugi.

Takasugi bowed his head back, something that Gintoki and Katsura hardly ever saw him do. It seemed that when he was around women, Takasugi was a completely different person. It seemed incredibly foreign to see him act in such a way.

Katsura got to his feet. "Please excuse me while I fetch some sake." He said with a bow.

"Of course." Takasugi responded smoothly with a dip of his head.

And with that, Katsura left the room, leaving Takasugi and Gintoki alone.

Takasugi took the liberty of reaching into his yukata and retrieving his pipe. After carefully filling it with tobacco, he placed it between his lips and took a long, smooth drag. Gintoki watched him.

"So, Shinsuke-sama..." He started, trying his best not to wrinkle his nose as the strong smell of tobacco filled the room. "Do you work?"

Takasugi let his pipe rest between his lips. "I do." He confirmed with a brief dip of his head.

"What do you do?"

"I'm afraid I can't say."

Gintoki smirked a little and leaned forwards. "I assume you're don't get on well with the government? Quite the bad boy from the looks of it." He said, looking at the sword at his belt for a moment.

Takasugi raised a brow. "Impressive," He commented with a smirk. "Have you ever considered being a police officer?"

"Not really. But I quite like the idea of arresting you and taking you to the station."

"Which station?"

"My station."

The hint of a chuckle rumbled in Takasugi's chest as he removed his pipe from his lips and smirked at Gintoki.

"You're quite the feisty one, aren't you?"

Gintoki's eyes flashed. "So I've been told." He replied swiftly; he was having way too much fun with this.

It was at this point that Katsura returned to the room carrying a bottle of sake and a small cup. The man wandered to the table and placed both items down, before taking his place on the floor opposite Takasugi. He poured a cup of the drink for Takasugi, before holding it out to him. Takasugi murmured his thanks and dipped his head as he took the offering.

"Thank you."

"You're most welcome." Katsura adjusted his kimono and placed his hands on his lap. "Now, Shinsuke-sama...we'd like to ask a few questions."

Takasugi took a drink of sake and placed the cup on the table. "Go on."

Katsura swiftly continued. "The Joui is currently running short of capable men," He explained. "Paako and I have spent the day trying to recruit new men. I don't think we did very well, I dare say."

Gintoki nodded his head in a agreement, trying his best to look at least a little bit sad.

Katsura cleared his throat in the most lady-like way possible. "What we need are young, strong, fit samurai; and we wondered if you'd be interested, Shinsuke-sama." He fluttered his fan about a little.

"What does the job consist of?" Takasugi narrowed his eye.

Katsura slipped his arms into his kimono. "There will be a lot of sword use, and our men are taught how to use bombs."

Takasugi nodded his head slowly.

Gintoki butted in before either of them could speak. "But before you join..." He rose from his place and shuffled closer to Takasugi, a smirk playing about the corner of his lips. "You have to pass a test.."

Katsura blinked and gave Gintoki a look as if to say ' _What the hell are you talking about?!'_

Gintoki ignored Katsura and blinked up at Takasugi. "You see...the Joui must learn to resist the temptation..." He ran his hand up Takasugi's chest and slipped it under the man's yukata so he had his hand resting on his bare torso. "Of women..."

Takasugi blinked and tilted his head to one side. "Is that so...?" He murmured.

Katsura looked as though he was about to shit himself.

Gintoki nodded his head before continuing. "Oh yes..." He said, tracing the man's muscles softly with his finger.

And it was at that point that Katsura realised that they had taken things too far.

The author would like to describe the scene that followed afterwards, but for the sake of the rating, it will not be included.

* * *

Takasugi had left a note after he left;

 _'Zura, for a while you were believable. But Gintoki, you were doing it all wrong, and you kept scratching yourself in a place that ladies don't scratch._

 _Nice try though._

 _-Shinsuke-sama'_

* * *

 **Wow, okay. Where do I start?**

 **I got the idea for this from a conversation that me and Stolenbook (Go check her out) had in English class. We started talking about Zurako and Paako, and I brought up something along the lines of 'wouldn't it be funny if Takasugi saw them dressed as women?'**

 **So this happened.**

 **That's pretty much all I have to say with regards to this...thing. I haven't posted anything in a while due to laziness, and it took a lot of effort to write this. Also, I apologize if anyone is out of character; even though I'm sure it doesn't matter as this is a crack-fic and isn't intended to be serious.**

 **I'll probably end up deleting this out of embarrassment xD**

 **So yeah. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and I apologise if I've creeped anyone out.**

 **Thanks for reading :)**


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